Saturday, May 21, 2011

~Diary of a Dumbass~

Okay.. so I have been prompted and prodded by waaayy to many friends that I really need to post the following.  It seems as if my new job has become to entertain the masses with my extraordinary skills at hurting & humilitaing myself for the masses..  And the bruise is so dang horrific that no truly gifted newly made lie can ever explain them.. I do have an extremely gifted talent of finding new ways to inflict pain and embarrasment to myself and those around me..
This might be a good time to swallow any beverage you might be drinking and abstain from sips...

Deja Vu Vu Vu~

> So is this when you are living vicariously thru someone (Deana Beana) and then unexpectedly decide to instead make it a closer reality in one's own life?

> So I joined the YMCA right?

> And I was scheduled for my physical assessment this morning..

> I get up and get rolling along.. let Rachel sleep in later to help her little circles under her eyes.., So we get to her school 40 minutes later...

> I hightail it to school so I can meet w/Dayton my mentoring child..

> He was in a pissy mood.. sorry.. just no other word can suffice at this moment..

> I run to Kohl's so I can get some decent athletic gear (translated.,.. anything other than a pr of crappy denim shorts) and too tight tshirt..

> Grab a bag full of clothes.. not even trying on second run of clothes.. Something to at least fit the Big Mama Butt.. Run the dog home and change.. I left her in the car while I did the other stuff..

> Get to the Y 10 minutes late..only to find out I was really 20 minutes early..

> So I was told to get on the awesome treadmill.. and I proceed to watch the non volume "House Hunters" and jam to my recently newly purchased IPod.. with the best tunes I know will keep me motivated..

> So the trainer set me up at 2.5 speed.. I didn't know how low she had set it.. And I'm jamming and having a truly wonderful time.. Now this is the point to which the viewer and anyone else who truly knows me may be questioning if I am now dabbling w/ an illicit drug.. Cause me and enjoying working out are not connected anywhere on the body of mine..

> So I'm having such a great time.. I decide to work myself up to 3.3 speed w/a .5 incline. And I'm all proud at the workout I'm doing..Watching those precious calories burn.. burn baby burn..


> Now this is where the train goes off the tracks.. Cause anyone who truly knows me.. knows this can't possibly continue safely for this child.. The trainer comes over and starts talking to me.. She's behind me to the side.. Now I can't hear her due to the awesome Rocking tunes.. and I at that exact moment totally lose any awareness of consciousness that I am on a treadmill. Do I turn off the tunes? Even better do I push the stop button? Yea right~ That would be the LOGICAL thing to do.. Something every sane and athletic person would do..

> Well Hells bells.. Now when have I EVER been mistaken for one of THEM?


> no no no~~ Grace here gets this horrific vision of my fat and out of shape butt flying across the huge workout gym to only hit the other wall many many feet away.. And I can see this image ending up on Youtube for eternity and reaching the African tribes that don't even have a written language.. And then that thought is followed by.. Oh crap!! If I pivot, then my weak knee(s) will dislocate.. and this is Such a reality in my life.. And I truly don't think another surgery for torn cartilage is doable in my book. So I twist off the thing and aim for the side rail.. Yea~~ Yes~~ I made it after my elbow caught and broke my fall..But not before butt bouncing off the conveyor belt.. And of course..What Humiliating experience would be complete w/out a really handsome fella who just got on the treadmill next to me..


> Dang it.. Talk about seeing stars.. And I got escorted to the trainer's office and they were nice enough to provide me w/a chair in which I couldn't exactly sit and water to drink so I didn't pass out.. I literally was seeing stars and then got the overwhelming feeling of being about as drunk as I have ever been....and that was well over 23 yrs ago..!! So we do an incident report which of course had to entail no less than 4 people including the facility director.. Oh yea..


> So you guys are thinking Shut Up already.. And Deana is thinking "Where in the heck do I fit into this? And WHY"?

> Tomorrow I had signed up to be a field trip chaperone for the Botanical Garden's Field Trip for Marshe's school. Rachel and I were going.. Lots of walking and lots of heat and sweating..

> And Thurs. we have field days where the kids play on the playground all day long in planned events and races.. Oh yea.. And then at noon Thur. Rachel has her graduation ceremony at school..And i was gonna mentor Harper sometime that day as well..


> So here I was.. finally getting my butt in the right thinking manner and plan down to lose weight.. volunteer @ Marshes school and run the roads w/ all my other responsibilities.. also housefinding and getting my clothes together that I have sold at Thred Up...


> And I can't help but see some familiar visions of Deana getting hurt on said field trip, in immense pain and homebound and humiliated..

> I really can't believe that there is an injury left that I hadn't discovered until today.. Who'd Thunk?

> So I am injured w/a very painful pulled hamstring.. However, I can't wait to get back over there start working out again..


> So this is my story.. I'm a dumbass.. I need intervention and you ladies know the real story.. I now need your help to help me come up w/a much betta one for the masses.. Those that haven't heard yet of course..

> Love yall!!